8. Didius Julianus

If you're like me, four out of five things you know about ancient Rome you learned from the film Gladiator. Therefore, after the crazy, "Am I not merciful?!" shouting emperor Joaquin Phoenix is slayed by Marximus Aurelius Russellium Croweius Awesomus, Rome was destined to return to its Republican roots. No more evil Caligulas, Neros, and Commoduses to mess up Rome's glory. That was all to be in the godforsaken past. Yep. All done. Dead Awesomus Maximus mandated it.

I guess the movie ended where it ended because Rome's post Emperor Commodus life (heretofore, to avoid confusion, we'll call Commodus the easier to remember, "Phoenixus") was not bound for  beautiful rainbowy dreams. It's "republic" would never return... Well, maybe it kinda would... but Didius Julianus is here to tell us how well it went!

Here we go. 

Emperor Phoenixus was crazy. No one was more aware of it then his elite military security unit, known as the Praetorian Guard. So, as the story goes, several high ranking officials, in collusion with this Praetorian Guard, had incestually-leaningly Phoenixus murdered in the middle of the night. Sorry to ruin all our vested beliefs, but in fact, Russell the Maximus Crowe did not actually kill Pheonixus in the Coliseum. It just didn't happen that way.

too cool to be true.

The powers that be weren't stupid, however, and they sincerely thought they could learn from history. After the equally insanely evil Emperor Nero offed himself a hundred years prior, there was a horrible power vacuum in Rome that resulted in horrendous civil wars, as well as four emperors in one year. So, the Praetorian Guard mandated that the Emperor be replaced before dawn. They needed someone who could wear the ring of power immediately and stabilize the kingdom, lest every general gather up his roots from Londonium to Timbuktu in expectation of sporting royal purple. The Praetorians evidently chose a dude named Pertinax for the throne, apparently because he offered to pay the Guard handsomely. 

So, Phoenixus is killed in the middle of the night. 

By dawn, Pertinax the successor is crowned. 

He would last three months in office. 

The problem with old Pertinax is that he was old school. He wanted to govern with calm, calculated decisions. Scribbling the Praetorians a "thank you for making me Emperor" check was not a calm, calculated decision... so Pertinax refused to pay up.

The Praetorian Guard is like a big bully that just so happens to cry a lot when he doesn't get his way. They cried and cried and cried. For three months Pertinax could barely hear himself think over the deafening sobbing of his childish Praetorians. But he was a resolute man.

As the old saying goes, "...try try again," the Praetorian Guard wiped away their tears and figured, "Heck, we did it once, why not twice?" Thus ended Pertinax. Three hundred members of the Guard bum-rushed old, stubborn Perty. The King is dead.

Long live the King. Once again the Romans desperately tried to learn from history. The Praetorian Guard wanted to make sure this time they put a man on the throne that paid them what their sweet tears were worth. So they did the most entrepreneurial thing to do: they put the Emperorship up for auction. Whoever promised to pay the Guard the most money would get the crown. It's so simple! -- why hadn't anyone tried it before???

One bored senator (who I can only assume led a boring life) heard about this, ran to every family member he knew, deciding to buy the office for his son. After a lively auction, the senator promised to give the Guard what amounts to about two-thirds of all the money that Rome had to the few hundred men that made up the Praetorians. Things were working out splendidly. Obscure Didius Julianus received the most powerful position in the world that day... because his Pa was a betting man.

A recap:

Pheonixus killed by Praetorians.

Praetorians replace Phoenixus with Pertinax.

Praetorians become Crybabies.

Pertinax ignores Crybabies.

Crybabies kill Pertinax.

Crybabies auction off the throne.

Julianus is crowned Emperor. 

2 months and 4 days later, Crybabies kill Julianus. 

Oops... getting ahead of ourselves...

NOW TO MY FAVORITE PART

The day that Julianus became Emperor, the news infected all four corners of the kingdom. Every General fighting every German, Persian or whatever people group, felt his blood spurt green with envy. Soon, a whole gaggle of Roman generals alongside Roman armies found themselves marching on Rome itself with eyes set on the awful prize of power.

By all accounts Didius Julianus was a cool guy; that is, a cool guy that never had a chance. I'm sure once upon a time he sat on his Father's lap, looked into his Dad's clear eyes and said boldly, "When I grow up I'm going to be the best Emperor Rome has ever seen." Surely that conversation happened. And surely, Didius never lost his naive posture and hopeless romanticness. His Father clearly saw to that.

Of all those green blooded generals, General Severus was the greeniest. And severest. And Generalest. He had to beat up a few other punk armies on his way to Rome, but he marched straight for the crown, only to knock on Rome's door in less than two months time. The Praetorian Guard took one look at the mountainous Severus, soiled themselves, and plunged swords into the small of Didius' back. They did this in the hopes that Severus would forgive them for selling Rome to the highest bidder.

Severus, being smart AND severe, forever disbanded the Crybabies and successfully ruled Rome for another two decades.

But let's back-peddle. According to Roman historian Cassius Dio, when the Crybabies killed Julianus, his dying words were:

But what evil have I done?
Whom have I killed?

What amazes me about the quote is its worldview narrative. It would seem that this senator king believed in his very bones that the world is just. Who in this world lives their whole life while still believing that all (in this life) come to a just end? Surely no king! Surely no man who knows politics! Surely no person who's experienced persecution! Surely no man who knows of the blood of Abel screaming up to God! Surely no man who's stubbed his toe and suffered for no good reason! Right?

My first thought is to believe that Julianus was an idealistic idiot. How could he believe his life would be saved, merely because he wasn't evil? Had he not noticed what happened to his predecessor to the throne? Had he not lived through all the years of tyranny from Commodus' reign? Had he not witnessed the lions devouring the pacifist Christians? Had he not seen innocent blood shed?

I ask all those questions to the lifeless memory of Emperor Didius Julianus. I ask these questions... and shudder. Would I do the same on the day of my death? Would I suddenly demand justice for my blood? Would I reject what experience has taught me to be truth in place of a karmic fantasy?

Perhaps Julianus knew the truth, knew the depths of the darkness of the Earth, but still hoped for something better for himself. Maybe, in the deepest places of his heart, he held a conviction that he was different. He was the auctioned King, a man destined, despite his birth, to the throne room over all the known world. He was special.

Didius Julianus believed he was different.
He wasn't.

7. Richard Owen & Gideon Mantell

Here, to you, faithful reader, I must confess that I have a certain mystical holding when it comes to the realm of ideas. I tend to believe that ideas are something more concrete than mere electronic impulses zipping through brain synapses. This conviction is less philosophical (say, in the Platonic sense) and much more emotional. When humans take on a specific idea, it more frequently occurs to me that it is the human that is transforming themselves into the image of the idea, rather than the person choosing a new flavor of value. Ideas are pod people: alien beings that have the power to transform us into something else entire.

With this viewpoint then, look keenly: JEALOUSY. 

The most substantial example of jealousy's image first appeared to me in the form of the brilliant film, Amadeus. Though we've not the time to give Amadeus its due, the plot of the film revolves around Antonio Salieri's autobiography. Salieri happens to be a composer, and unfortunately for the scorned soul, a contemporary of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Poor Salieri is gifted enough to fully recognize Mozart's musical genius, but has not the ability himself to compose such beauty. The divide Salieri sees between himself and the boy wonder drives him to madness… but first, to Maiden Jealousy.

However poetic Amadeus is as a story, it remains only this; a fairy tale. There was no Salieri salivating over Mozart's ink stains. This is myth, and nothing more. And for that reason we turn our attention to a historical account of intrigue and moral squalor. The tale of Richard Owen and Gideon Mantell is a pathetic one when viewed from the end backwards -- but so is every dead pod person…

It starts with revelation. A bang. A wonderment of wonderments! The earth, the very soil below our feet, hides monstrous secrets. We are in the late 18th/early 19th century, and the discovery of dinosaurs is at hand.

Let's pause here for just a moment. Man has always known of monsters. Our imaginations did not suddenly begin in the twentieth century. But I cannot imagine that feeling that those intrepid geologists felt when they first found that our dreams have all been realized. Monsters did live. Please recall that besides your Saint George and the Dragonesque stories, no one in the last few millennia had awareness of dinosaurs. It was news to everyone.

A young doctor named Gideon Mantell, after hearing about the monstrous crocodile bones Mary Anning had found (another person who deserves her own post), became intrigued by the stuff he could potentially unearth in his own backyard near Sussex, England. Mantell, over the course of many years, began stocking his house with various pieces of bone and debris salvaged out of time by the young doctor. One would imagine that all this cruddy dust and rock stuff would irritate Mantell's wife (and surely it did, as we'll soon find out), but in fact it was his wife that made the first historic find of their lives. She found several teeth, the likes of which had never been seen before.

Now, the culture the Mantell's were born into was one of English gentlemanliness. Geology was a sport for gentlemen. Mantell, being a doctor, needed to use his firm societal footing to gain entrance into the geology club for top-hatted men. The problem was that Mantell didn't just want to be a geologist on the side, as a hobby. He wanted to settle down and start a meager geology family of love and companionship. This wasn't a part-time obsession. As the years went by, Mantell's digging expeditions were growing too expensive, so he searched for a way to open up his income stream. He thought he could open up his house of bones and rocks to tourists… only to be reminded that that was not the type of thing gentlemen did. Subsequently, he gave the tours for free.

So, these new bones were now being connected to an assortment of skeletons that were looking to form a monstrous creature of length and girth. Mantell noticed that the teeth seemed similar to that of an iguana, so he came up with the name Iguanasaurus for his newly discovered creature. Unfortunately, this is when our villain enters into the game.

Young Richard

Young Gideon

 None of my reading led my to answer the question of what it was exactly about Gideon Mantell that irked Richard Owen so, but whatever it was, it never let go (I suspect it was Mantell's proportionally good looks -- I'm guessing that Owen liked his fellow geologists to be bug-eyed and bald as he was). For many a-year, Owen stood between Mantell and history by assuring onlookers that the teeth he found was nothing more than that of some random rhinoceros.

Eventually, the Iguanasaurus was recognized as a new species, and would come down in history to be known as the Iguanodon. But Owen would not stop he harassment. Every time Mantell released a paper or announced a new discovery, there was Owen, swooping in to discredit him and his discover. Often, his harassments would serve the purpose of merely postponing Mantell so that Owen could plagiarize him and get the international credit for Mantell's findings.

Old Mantell

Old Owen

 Financial destitution afflicted the Mantell family… but Gideon's obsession had taken over his life, and he refused to let go of his rocks. His wife left him. At every turn Owen mocked and denigrated Mantell's name. He had no family. He had no geological friends. He had no money. Desperate, Mantell offered to sell his collection of specimen to the Natural History Museum in London. The only problem was that Richard Owen was head curator. Knowing Mantell was struggling, Owen darn near robbed the man. 

Soon after, while riding a horse, Mantell slipped and was dragged several miles. His spine was bent crooked for the rest of his life. Owen took great pride in haranguing the senile old hunchback.

Pure geology his only friend, Mantell continued to work until the day he died, publishing many papers despite his enemy's power and cunning. But the physical pain and emotional bullying got the best of Doctor Gideon Mantell. He overdosed on opium in 1844.

Any reasonable rivalry would end there. Owen was no normal parasite. He took Mantell's spine, had it pickled and put on display at the Royal College of Surgeons of England. Mantell's bones stayed on display until it was obliterated in 1969 to make room for more interesting specimens.

As for Owen himself, he had a statue of himself put on display on the main staircase at the Natural History Museum in London. His statue stands robustly above lesser names, such as Charles Darwin and Sir Isaac Newton.  Owen's greatest legacy remains as perhaps the highest honor any 19th century geologist could hope for; he coined the term "Dinosaur".

Long live the king. Jealousy has won her prize.

X1: Danny Pennington

X = FICTIONAL CHARACTER

I turned 4 the Summer the Turtles invaded. I can remember every commercial that played before the feature on my VHS copy; particularly this one:

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were great. Funny. Strong. Colorful. Witty. And they each were named after renaissance artists… so we all got a little art history to boot!

Beyond the sheer childhood glee of seeing giant Japanese inspired turtles fight evil in New York City's underground, 1990's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is just good filmmaking. The crowning achievement (beyond the blessing of existing in a pre-CGI age) of the film, of course, is its cast of characters. Everyone's not only uniquely colored, but empathetic and individualized. Everyone from cricket-bat wielding Casey Jones to yellow trench-coated April O'Neill to wise, old Splinter the master rat… everyone is lovable.

That is, everyone except teenage jerk-wad Danny Pennington. What a dork.

At the crucial age of 4, I needed to start making personal decisions. Foremost among these cataclysmic decisions was, "What's my name?" -- Now, perhaps this seems simple enough, but not so for my wizened elbow wrinkles. I was born Daniel Todd Stack, and the time had come to insist on the name the world would refer to me as. I could be Daniel, Dan, Danny, Danny T., Todd, DanToddy… this was monumental. Once you get saddled with a shortened name, you're stuck. There's no social mobility there. You are who they say you are.

After countless views, I knew one thing for certain; I was not going to be another Danny, like that snot bag Danny Pennington.

And thus, my name fell to Dan… which I never was too keen on. Over time, of course, I found a blip in the social matrix and was successfully able to implement a rouge"te" to the end of my name, and thusly, appear to you as I am today.

But back to the brat, Danny Pennington…

Danny is the son of Charles Pennington, the news chief over at Channel 3. Early in the film, we learn that Charles has to drive Danny to school every morning, "Just to make sure he actually goes." Soon thereafter we realize that the young Danny daily ditches school to join up with a new teen club financed bountifully by a mysterious organization known as the foot clan.

Okay, let's quit the hazing and knuckle down to the point.
Now that I know I'm not Danny, I can see the many ways that I am.

Much like Pinocchio, Danny, unsure of himself in the world, follows demons into a modern day Pleasure Island. The character arc for Danny is the moral center of TMNT. We all judge Danny because he's pimply and off-putting to his loving Father. But Danny doesn't know any better.

By film's end, Danny learns who's good and who's evil. Moreover, he learns what good and evil both look like. He sees their true colors. And, knowing all that, he chooses good over evil. He helps Splinter, the Turtles, and returns to his Father's loving embrace. It's a prodigal son story.

I've never wanted to be a prodigal son -- because that's such a weak position to be in. I've always wanted to be the rich King, who, with grace aplomb, deals out mercy in place of wrath. I've wanted to be the Turtles rather than the victim needing saving.

My current lot in life establishes a new horizon of empathy for young Danny Pennington. He didn't choose evil in knowledge. He chose it in ignorance. His path of raging hormones and motherlessness blinded his vision and plugged his years. His heart and mind couldn't be reached, either by the left or the right. Lost in the fog, Danny chose the path of least resistance: immediate inclusion and acceptance.

I like to be included. I like to be accepted.

I think the great majority of us are willing to fight and die for what we know to be true and good. But how often can we visualize our choices as that fog-less, that succinctly right and wrong?

Danny makes the right choice in the end. I think it's about time we rename him… give him a name that shines.

6. Basil Valentine

The problem with monarchy is rarely the monarch himself. Rather, the problem is his successor. Succession appears to be not much more than a craps shoot. The greatest of Roman emperors, Augustus, Marcus Aurelius, Valentinian, Constantine -- are their legacies not besmirched by their sons and successors? What good is a great King if his son is a monster?

We shall count the fruit, in this regard, of Basil Valentine as doubled, for the muchness of his successor surpasses his own muchity.

Mr. Valentine, whoever he was, was born in interesting days… and he nursed his era for every bit of weirdness it held.

During the final year of the 16th century, a short little book started to populate itself amongst a sea of European men of intrigue.


Not much later, in 1602, the book became accompanied by 12 woodcuts. The book, entitled, "Of the Great Stone of the Ancients" was broken into two halves. The first dealt with the mystical Philosopher's Stone…



A moment's pause to familiarize with the Philosopher's Stone:

• It's pretty much the Alchemist's El Dorado
• Generally, the Stone is the miracle substance that can be used to turn stuff into gold
• The Stone is often also supposed to have mystic powers, most commonly that of giving inordinately long life to those who consume bits of it.
• During the High Church era of Europe, the Stone also took on religious significance, with some speculation coming down that it was a secret that God gave to Adam, which he shared with many-a patriarch. This would explain the long lives mentioned in Genesis.

The 2nd half of Basil Valentine's book delves into his obtuse "12 Steps". The steps, as included in the wood reliefs, appear as though they must have some sort of deep allegorical significance. One can presuppose that the visuals in each step represent some chemical or physiochemical process. For example, a crowned king is thought to represent gold. 

But it's the sheer impenetrableness of the keys that makes them so alluring. No one knows for sure what they really represent. Are the keys a process to refine the Philosopher's Stone out of basic elements? Because of their weirdness (and inclusion of many languages, including German, Latin, Greek and Hebrew), it remains a question whether or not the keys are more akin to witchcraft than chemistry. 

As for Basil Valentine himself, we know almost nothing of the historical man. Some suggest that his publisher, a man named Tholde, was actually Basil, writing under a pseudonym. Whether or not that's true doesn't really change anything. 

The lingering question of Basil Valentine remains: 

Did he find what he was looking for?

Alchemy's heyday had long past into darkness when Basil Valentine's successor entered into the light of history. He is known to us simply as Fulcanelli. 

Fulcanelli lived in the 20th century, and had an artful power over the biological world whose grasp was so great that the Nazis scavenged the world in search of him and his secrets. We know with relative certainty is that Fulcanelli was a writer of esoteric books, emphasizing the reality of the strange in his writings. The connection with Basil Valentine, likewise, is bizarre. Supposedly, Mr. Valentine came to Fulcanelli's wife in a dream, and henceforth (somehow) declared that he, Basil Valentine, as a dream, was to undertake Fulcanelli as his very own apprentice. 

The result of all this, supposedly in 1920, was the successful transmuting of lead into gold. This was seen and partially performed by Fulcanelli's own apprentice, a one Mister Eugene Canseliet. Note: many suppose that Fulcanelli and Canseliet are indeed the same person, in which case, the successor emperor to Fulcanelli then has yet to disturb the course of history.

Sometime during the 1930s, Fulcanelli communicated with French atomist Professor Helbronner that unleashing nuclear power was not so tricky, and that in fact it had been used by and against humanity before… knowing the bomb's horror, Fulcanelli warned against its usage. Before Helbronner could decipher the truth behind Fulcanelli's sentiment, Helbronner was assassinated by the Gestapo. With the advent of this murder and many like it, Fulcanelli went underground.

By many, Fulcanelli was presumed dead after years of hearing nothing from the eccentric alchemist. If he were alive, there seemed no reason for him to remain in hiding after the Nazi monster was subdued. Finally, in 1954, Canseliet supposedly met up with the not-so-old man in Spain. According to Canseliet, Fulcanelli was pulling a Benjamin Button, becoming younger and younger with every passing year.  

And that was the last the world was to know of Fulcanelli. 

Perhaps now, 

his stomach full of 

Philosopher Stone, 

the young man 

wanders about the Earth, 

spewing 

indecipherable 

allegory 

from his lips,

spending his leisure time 

in dreams 

with the

ghost of his master. 

A Note on Wikipedia

I'm standing in the shower. Water falls on my face, over my closed eyelids. I can see the shadows of the  water through my lids. It's February, and the hot water is soothing. I've finished shampooing and soaping up. For all technical purposes, my shower is over. I remain simply for the pleasure of the experience. I turn the handle warmer. Warmer. And then, just for an instant, the water hits that divine degree wherein the rushing current is hot enough to perfectly scintillate my body. A step beyond and the ecstasy would sharply turn to pain. I've hit the sweet spot. Oh, for that moment to stretch on...

But it doesn't. Our apartment never maintains its hot water. Just as soon as the moment arrives, I find my inner being saying, "Wait!" as the water cools and my momentary bless is replaced with the terseness of lukewarm water on a cool night.

C.S. Lewis seems to be hinting at this idea of joy and longing whenever he talks of experiences of pure "northernness". These are moments that appear to me to be satisfied by something other than the stuff of life. They are filled by the weighty presence of a dark matter, wholly undefinable, but nonetheless immensely present.

Wikipedia (and I more or less am using wikipedia here as an analog for the entire information-at-your-fingertips way of life) is a tremendous resource. It makes me fill powerful -- I can know about just about anything I want by pressing a couple buttons.

But Wikipedia de-northernizes information as well. It takes the dark matter out of the equation.

I've started this blog to remind myself and put into writing little savorings of stories. I am focusing in on people, because I'm confident that human souls will forever remain to complex and too "northern" to ever be satisfactorily captured by a plain text rundown.

Finding answers on wikipedia is (and will forever remain, I reckon) tempting, but despite its awesomeness, lacks any sense of awe towards the characters and stories it depicts.

That's all.

5. Queen of Sheba

Think you know the Queen of Sheba? Take this multiple choice exam to find out!

Be careful! An ANSWER SHEET is posted immediately below the quiz.
Note: there may be multiple answers for each question.

Queen of Sheba-ish Quiz

A) Besides her famous encounter with Solomon found in the Old Testament, the Queen of Sheba appears in:

1. The New Testament
2. The Qur'an
3. Ethiopian traditions
4. Kenyan and Nigerian traditions
5. All of the Above

B) Sheba is located in:

1. Modern day Ethiopia 
2. Modern day Yemen
3. Egypt
4. wherever the Garden of Eden is 
5. the South

C) The Queen of Sheba's real name is:

1. Bilqis
2. Makeda
3. Nicaule
4. Oloye Bilikisu Sungbo
5. Sheba
6. Nakuti
7. She probably doesn't have a name

D) The Queen of Sheba came to King Solomon to:

1. Ask him a bunch of questions
2. Get Impregnated
3. Steal the Ark of the Covenant
4. Worship Allah

E) Some Christian interpreters see the Queen of Sheba as a foreshadowing:

1. Of the Virgin Mary
2. Of the Three Wise Men
3. Of the marriage between Christ and the Church
4. For the Grafting in of Gentile nations as God's chosen people
5. All of the above
6. None of the above

F) King Solomon:

1. Raped the Queen 
2. Gave the Queen the Ark of the Covenant
3. Steals the Queen's throne
4. Convinces the Queen to worship the one true God
5. All of the Above 
6. None of the Above

G) The Queen of Sheba is prophesied to:

1. Stand in judgment over a particular generation of people
2. Be given a place of honor alongside Balaam
3. Hand out the mark of the beast to the people; 666
4. Return to the Ark of the Covenant to worship God
5. Remain dead forever

-------------------

Answer Key

Correct Answers in Red

Reference Note: most of the information I have came from this page:

http://www.madote.com/2010/09/ethiopias-queen-of-sheba-and-ark-of.html

and, of course, wikipedia.

A) Besides her famous encounter with Solomon found in the Old Testament, the Queen of Sheba appears in:

1. The New Testament 
• Jesus talks about "the Queen of the South" visiting Solomon in Matthew 12:42 and Luke 11:31
2. The Qur'an 
• As is the case many times with the Qur'an, stories from the Bible are retold/retooled. The Queen of Sheba is no exception.
3. Ethiopian traditions 
• The Ethiopians trace their lineage supposedly back to the Queen of Sheba. They call her the ancestor of the "Solomonic dynasty", which was the first line of Kings of the Ethiopian empire which showed up around the 14th century… leaving roughly 2400 years between the Queen and her kingly descendants. 
4. Kenyan and Nigerian traditions 
• Yep. Both cultures have their own name for her.
5. All of the Above

B) Sheba is located in:

1. Modern day Ethiopia 
2. Modern day Yemen
3. Egypt
4. wherever the Garden of Eden is 
5. the South

• While the Ethiopians surely would be mad at me for denying their heritage, there appears to be no direct archeological-historical link between the Queen and the people that claim her. Meanwhile muslims tend to favor Yemen as her native soil. This isn't too unreasonable, in that Ethiopia and Yemen  are separated by only 25 kilometers. Since the Queen comes to Israel from the South, it's been postulated that she must have come from some place within Egypt… but again, there just isn't any strong evidence there to make that leap. As for the Garden of Eden, I just threw it in there because the simple fact of the matter is that not unlike Eden, we have no real idea where Sheba is. That's why I'll stick with Jesus' words. Rather than refer to her as the Queen of Sheba, Jesus merely calls her the Queen of the South. So I'm going to go on a limb and say that Sheba is South of Israel. 

C) The Queen of Sheba's real name is:

1. Bilqis 
•  the Queen's name as it appears in the Qur'an
2. Makeda 
• her Ethiopian name
3. Nicaule 
• the name 1st century historian Josephus called her
4. Oloye Bilikisu Sungbo 
• her Nigerian name.
5. Sheba 
1. Genesis 10:7 lists a man name Sheba as a descendant of Ham… but whoever he was, he wasn't the Queen who visited Solomon. So, tough luck, you're wrong!
6. Nakuti 
• her Kenyan name
7. She probably doesn't have a name 
• Nah! Everybody has a name, Silly! See what I did there? I named you Silly, thus proving my point that everyone has a name. 

So the correct answer is 1, 2, 3, 4, and 6… but the real point is everybody likes to make up a name for her in their own likeness.

D) The Queen of Sheba came to King Solomon to:

1. Ask him a bunch of questions 
• This seems to be the one point that everyone agrees on. 1 Chronicles 9:1 states, "Now when the Queen of Sheba heard of the fame of Solomon, she came to Jerusalem to test Solomon with difficult questions."
2. Get Impregnated 
• Although the Ethiopian tradition does have the Queen marching of with Solomon's baby in her, the tradition doesn't state that outcome as her motive for visiting the King.
3. Steal the Ark of the Covenant 
• Again, Ethiopian tradition has the Ark of the Covenant coming to them, but it's not from the Queen, but rather, her son (aka Solomon's son) who either steals the ark or is given it by his father.
4. Worship Allah 
• Not really. The story in the Qur'an has Solomon calling her to him, and she more or less comes to him out of fear of his Kingdom. After she sees the marvelous things he can do, she bows down and worships Allah.

Hey, look at that! A rather straight forward question! Props to you if you got it right!

E) Some Christian interpreters see the Queen of Sheba as a foreshadowing:

1. Of the Virgin Mary
2. Of the Three Wise Men
3. Of the marriage between Christ and the Church
4. For the Grafting in of Gentile nations as God's chosen people
5. All of the above
6. None of the above
• The Queen of Sheba seems to be a point of fascination, especially for Medieval artists and theologians. I don't really understand why she is sometimes depicted as a precursor to the Virgin Mary, but the Wise Men myth makes some sense. The Bible says that she comes bearing gifts of gold, spices and precious stones to Solomon. That at least is similar to the Wise men's gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. The Gentile analogy also makes logical sense. There are not too many Old Testament foreigners who come to worship the God of the Jews, so this story presents a rather unique episode that shows the Jewish faith being extended to other nations. 

F) King Solomon:

1. Raped the Queen -- so, the Ethiopian tradition has the Queen being weary of Solomon, and so she makes him vow that he won't take her by force. He agrees as long as she doesn't take any of his possessions by force. She agrees, but smart-alecky Solomon feeds her super dooper spicy food for dinner. In the middle of the night the Queen ventures out of her bedroom and swipes some water. Sexy Solomon is waiting for this, and calls her out for breaking her vow. The two then spend the night together. Is that rape? Kinda seems like it… but the Ethiopians 
2. Gave the Queen the Ark of the Covenant -- I kinda expected that some tradition would say this… after all, the Bible says Solomon gave her any and everything she wanted. But apparently the Ark was not on her list of wants. 
3. Steals the Queen's throne -- In the Qur'an, when Solomon finds out the Queen is coming, he asks who can go steal her throne for him. A jinn says he can do it in the twinkling of the eye. When the Queen arrives and sees her throne, she knows Solomon's not messing around. She quits worshipping the sun, and starts worshipping Solomon's God. 
4. Convinces the Queen to worship the one true God -- While the Qur'an refers to the Queen's conversion, it should be noted that although the Old Testament has the Queen praising the God of Israel, she doesn't herself worship God. 
5. All of the Above
6. None of the Above

Solomon's gotta live up to that reputation of being the smartest dude in the world, doesn't he? Answer; yes, he does!

G) The Queen of Sheba is prophesied to:

1. Stand in judgment over a particular generation of people
• Matthew 12 and Luke 11 both have Jesus stating that, "The Queen of the South will rise up with the men of this generation at the judgment and condemn them…"
2. Be given a place of honor alongside Balaam 
• Nope. No one tries to make any connection between the Queen and Balaam. Only me. In my spare time. 
3. Hand out the mark of the beast to the people; 666 
• No, BUT! Check this out… 1 Kings chapter 10 takes 13 verses to tell the story of the Queen of Sheba… and the very next verse reads as follows, "Now the weight of gold which came in to Solomon in one year was 666 talents of gold…" Of course, the book of Revelation later marks the number 666 as the number of the great deceiver. So, is this coincidence, or something more? 
4. Return to the Ark of the Covenant to worship God 
• Uh, no. I made this up. 
5. Remain dead forever
• No! You only wish she'd stay dead!

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Postscript

I chose to create this little quiz to focus in on the myth of the Queen of Sheba, rather than the person. She means a lot of things to a lot of different people. She's a sign of national pride as well as a launch point for religious zeal.

 This church, The Church of Our Lady Mary of Zion, in Axum, Ethiopia claims to literally have the Ark of the Covenant!

When I decided to write about her, I was mostly intrigued by her connection to the supposed Ark of the Covenant which the Ethiopian Church believes they currently have. But now it seems apparent to me that the appeal of this particular person in history is based precisely on the fact that we don't know anything about her. Everyone loves to speculate. She's an enigma; one that captured the interest of the wisest man alive. 

Queen of Sheba, whoever you are, I look forward to someday (after the fateful judgment day) learning who you really are, what you're really about. 

That's all… another mystery trapped in the sands of time. 

4. Seau and Caminiti

thesis question: Did my heroes defraud me?

Born and raised in the town of Oceanside, the northern tip of San Diego County, I had two local heroes  growing up: Ken Caminiti and Junior Seau.

Ken Caminiti

Caminiti, or Cami as locals called him, was the living legend of the San Diego Padres. The mid-nineties was a perfect time to be a young boy idolizing baseball stars. Between McGwire, Sosa, Bonds and Johnson, little boys nationwide saw goliath-sized heroes sprouting up in nearly every town. Cami was ours.

The San Diego Padres acquired Cami in a blockbuster trade with the Houston Astros after the 94 season. By 1996, our Friars, a team that had been full of "dumb bunnies" (a phrase my Mother liked to use for useless players) my whole life, made the playoffs. They did so on the back of their 3rd base star, who hit 40 home runs, ate a Snickers bar before every game, and three times, yep, three times hit a home run from both sides of the plate in one game. At the time, that'd never been done before.

In 1996, as I turned 10, the Padres reached the playoffs for the first time in my life and Ken Caminiti was named the National League MVP. If anyone doubted Cami's worthiness of that award, that person needed only to be directed to this insane highlight.

I went to every game I could the next couple of years. One night, my family went to "Christian Night" at the stadium. Everything was normal, just a regular night game, except after the game a half dozen Padres came out and gave their testimonies to the faithful fans who wished to merge their beliefs with their sports heroes. Caminiti gave a speech. I don't recall what he said, but he made it clear he loved Jesus. This enshrined him forever in my child mind as a true hero; a behemoth of virtue on and off the field.

Then, in 98, the Padres reached the World Series. It was the most glorious time ever to be a Padres fan. All our days were marvels. Our humble team was facing the Yankees -- the titans of the sport. Our little Friars had accomplished something unforgettable, and Cami was leading our warrior pack. 

After we lost the Series, a horrible, if not predictable, event occurred. Our beloved hero was traded. We knew dark times were upon us as our savior of third departed from our midst. This began a bad era for the Padres, but also marked the beginning of the end of Mr. Caminiti's life.

It was clear that Caminiti's body was breaking down -- he barely lasted two more seasons before calling it quits in 2001. But oh well, not every player can maintain life as a baseball star. I only hoped that he was enjoying retirement. 

With the 2000s came the steroids controversy. Cami's name stood in front of the pack. In 2002 he admitted to Sports Illustrated that he used steroids during his MVP season. That same year his wife divorced him. He started bouncing in and out of rehab centers. In 2004 he overdosed while taking a speedball, a mix of heroin and cocaine. What an idiot. 

His autopsy reported that his "overly enlarged heart" was partially to blame for his death. 

It didn't appear to me that his heart was big at all. 

Junior Seau

Seau's story hits even closer to home. I used to brag to my friends that local legend Junior Seau used to cheat off my big sis' tests in high school. His jersey was the only recognizable name that hung at my alma mater. Seau came from my town… and he grew up to be one of the most dominant linebackers in NFL history. Even better than that, he played his best years for the San Diego Chargers, leading them to their only Super Bowl in 1994. 

I've read that the average NFL player stays in the league for 3.5 seasons. Seau played for twenty. He retired in 2010 as a beloved football player, and an adored local hero. I got his autograph when I was 11. I kept the autograph in a place of honor. The autograph is still on display in my old room in my parents' home. 

Seau retired in 2010. He shot himself in the chest on May 2nd, 2012. 

What do I do with that? 

Worse still, an autopsy showed that he suffered from CTE (chronic traumatic encephalopathy), which is a brain disease closely linked to concussions. Did the NFL kill him? -- Well… I don't know.

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What do we do when our local heroes are made into monsters? What do we do when our heroes are made miserable by the very thing that made them legends in the first place?

Should I disavow the NFL? Should I not watch, knowing that the sport is more akin to gladiator games than anything else? 

The Chargers made the playoffs this year. I was SO excited. And again, I found my specific heroes on the field… but maybe they should receive more of my pity and less of my adulation. Maybe that would help things. Maybe Caminiti and Seau didn't have to die. Maybe things could have been different. Maybe my heroes could have been heroes in other people's lives, in other ways. Maybe they could have been firefighters. Maybe they should have been. Maybe, maybe, maybe. 

Damn. 

3. H.P. Lovecraft

Here again we find ourselves studying a man who happens to have an ironic name. A last name the likes of Hatecraft, Fearcraft, or Terrorcrafterson would all be much more inline with the character of Lovecraft's life. But this is life, and life likes to hand us spoons of irony from time to time.

Lovecraft's fame appears to be on the rise here in the 21st century at a much swifter pace than it ever was during his lifetime or the subsequent decades after his death. My main hypothesis for this: Mr. Lovecraft created a coherent universe throughout his writings. Nowadays, everywhere one looks there's another "franchise" bursting onto the scene. This is, in my summation, a logical progression from that which I'll call 'sequelism'. If a story is wonderful, then naturally the audience will want to return to that place with those people. The most base way to bring people back is to create a sequel; another story dealing with the exact characters. But therein lies a problem; the characters we use grow weary over time. Familiarity breeds (a sort of) contempt. Therefore, things like Star Wars and Star Trek can be so infinite because they exist beyonds the edges of Luke Skywalker and Han Solo's lives. They are multi-dimensional places... places to sit down and rest in. Mr. Lovecraft, it would appear, composed a terrifying and complex universe in his writings that the good people of the 21st century are only now beginning to fall victim to.

For those not in the know, H.P. Lovecraft lived from 1890-1937. He was an American who pretended to be an Englishman. He made his living writing short fiction for various magazines. He never made much money, and more or less died just above the poverty line. He remains, however, one of the architects of modern horror; a precursor to the likes of Stephen King and John Carpenter.

But dear friends, there are near endless tides of conversations and debates we could sift through concerning Lovecraft's work and legacy. There are already hundreds of books dedicated to parsing out the essence de Lovecraft. I don't much care to guesstulate about his Mommy issues or rant about his rampant racism. All I care about is what I perceive Lovecraft to be. This then being my blog, I heretofore loft us into that specific conversation about which I design to have. High-ho Silver!

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Misotheism is a fancy word easily defined as, "the hatred of God or gods". I've run into many-a atheist, agnostic, polytheist and pantheist in my day, but I don't think I've ever had a conversation with a self-aware misotheist. For my money, Lovecraft was such a man.

Over and over again, Lovecraft's characters find themselves discovering some dark secret. Typically, this dark secret relates to a creature who landed on Earth in the distant past, and is hideous in its incomprehensibleness and unimaginable power. The vastness of that newly discovered enemy is beyond understanding. You don't fight these creatures. You don't have a prayer. They destroy you.
More than typically, knowledge of such a reality leads the protagonist to utter insanity. You cannot visit the unfathomable without losing your grasp on the fabric of reality. A brief summary of three of Lovecraft's stories will suffice to make the point:

The Call of Cthulhu: Anthropologists discover a primitive culture wherein a giant octopus creature is worshipped. A quote:

"They worshipped, so they said, the Great Old Ones who lived ages before there were any men...and...formed a cult which had never died...hidden in distant wastes and dark places all over the world until the time when the great priest Cthulhu, from his dark house in the mighty city of R'lyeh under the waters, should rise and bring the earth again beneath his sway. Some day he would call, when the stars were ready, and the secret cult would always be waiting to liberate him."

At the Mountains of Madness: A group of explorers find the remnants of a vast ancient civilization shrouded deep in the mountains of Antartica. They discover that great races of aliens descended on Earth long years ago and fought horrific wars. Here too, the Old Ones are waiting to rise again.

The Colour out of Space: A small asteroid hits a farm. Over the course of the following year, the family who works the land goes mad. The crops tastes putrid, the animals are disintegrating, and the family members who go mad first start whispering some horrible sounding foreign tongue. This is my favorite Lovecraft work as it doesn't try to give an explanation -- it just painstakingly let's us watch a series of strange events unfold.

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As one collects Lovecraftian stories, the importance of staying in the dark is applauded. 

In his preface to the Call of Cthulhu, Lovecraft wrote,  

The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in its own direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the deadly light into the peace and safety of a new dark age.

An artist's take on the monster Cthulhu

From my vantage point, (I, being one who loves and worships Jesus Christ as God) I can find a deep resonance of truth behind Lovecraft's theology of fear. 

I just got through a study of the book of Luke, and this go-round, what really bore out of the pages as a major theme of Christ's ministry was that of hypocrisy. God is not a fan of hypocrisy. In the church we must always be on guard of pharisee-ism. The tricky part of hypocrisy is that it often strikes us without ever revealing is ugly face. 

In this way, when I enter into conversations with people outside my faith, I search for hypocritical leanings. If the hypocrisy slaps me in the face, I'll quickly let go of any logical discussion of Christianity. It feels like a fruitless effort. BUT! On the flipside, if there's a person who stands firm on (from my worldview) their heresy and remains true to that, I feel a kinship with that person... and I feel like fruitful discussion can follow. 

For all of Lovecraft's weirdnesses and wrongs, at least he comes off as consistent. If you are not in community with God, if you don't know who he is, then it makes perfect sense to hide from him.  If you don't understand God as a spectacular dude who loves you, then there is only room enough for fear.

As for me, I see Lovecraftian writings as bearing two right ideas about the world with exemplary vision. These ideas, I think, are almost nowhere else in the world depicted as meticulously clear as Lovecraft performs them. 

IDEA ONE

God(s) are worthy of our fear. We like to depict God as the old guy in white robes with a long white beard. That's a pretty innocuous vision. Rather, God is so unspeakably powerful that merely looking on him should mean death for us. Or, to take "the gods" view, we can almost say the same things of demons. 

When the Carthaginians worshipped their god Ba'al, they constructed a gigantic thirty foot high statue. The statue had long arms outstretched that, by a pulley system, could be dropped at any moment. Below the statue, a pit of hot, burning coals steamed. The Carthaginians would put their first born children into the outstretched arms of this god, and then have the arms dropped. Carthaginian children would pass through fire into the next life. 

That is terrifying. 

IDEA TWO

In The Colour Out of Space, after a group experiences an absurd aberration, Lovecraft writes that they were, "Too awed to present theories." AWE. 

We need awe.

In this, our scientific age, awe is a dying virtue. We are slowly marching up the arm of knowledge, believing ourselves to be champions and conquerors over nature. A small pill that wards off disturbing thoughts gives us comfort and counsel. We need not become overwhelmed by the scope of the universe. Nothing is impossible, right? We will overcome. Lovecraft reminds us that we're wrong. 

We have not yet even uncovered one percent of the vastness of the universe. It remains an enigma to us. Anyone who says otherwise is ignorant of their utter ignorance. 

Lovecraft's fear gives us reason to pause, and reflect on the bigness of the cosmos. We are but ants. 

Awe is a powerful idea that, I think, the great cathedral architects understood much better than we do today. We like things small. We prefer things that can fit in our hands. It is a fortunate thought to dwell on just how small we are. 

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Lovecraft's advice/warning is for us to, flee from the deadly light into the peace and safety of a new dark age. 

Get that?

Flee to the dark.

We know the dark. There are no terrors there in that place of solitude. Juxtapose that with some of the opening words of John's gospel:

In him (Jesus) was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it... The true light, which enlightens everyone, was coming in the world. He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him... But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God... And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.